And I'm Scared
by StupidlyAlone
Summary: Regulus has just become a deatheater, regretting it and feeling sick with himself, he turns to the only person he knows will help him.


A cold winters evening and Ari was shut up in her house, afraid to go outside at this time in the current climate. The first wizarding war was beginning, there was no hiding really, reminders were everywhere and no matter how hard she tried to remain detached from it, she couldn't help but care and worry. Lost in thought, she curled up on the settee only to fall off in shock from the loud rapping at the door.  
"Ari! Let me in! LET ME IN!" A familiar voice. One she hadn't heard in months, and never heard so scared, or so pleading...

She grabbed her wand and cautiously walked to the door, "Regulus? Is that you?"  
"Yes, it's fucking me! Let me in! LET ME IN!"  
"What's the magic word?"  
"Alohomora?"  
Ari rolled her eyes, annoyed, manners never had been his strong point, "I meant please."  
"Okay, PLEASE." And with that, she opened the door, just a fraction. She had not forgotten the last time she saw him. He was crazed, obsessed with becoming a Deatheater, he wasn't his old self really...he had changed. That's why she broke it off with him. But the Regulus she saw before her now, weak looking, sopping wet and dark circles beneath his eyes... she could hardly believe it was the same person.

Ari wordlessly ushered him inside, removed his coat and sat him down, when she joined him his face was in his hands and he was shaking.  
"I did it. I'm one of them." His voice was muffled from his hands and Ari could tell he was straining to keep from crying.  
"Congratulations." She said coolly, she couldn't forget all he'd done...the story's he'd told her...

Regulus looked up at this, something dark in his eyes..."Congratulations? _Congratulations_?" He shook his head disbelievingly and rose to his feet, beginning to pace. "You don't think I regret it? You don't think I want to go back?"  
"If you want to, then why don't you?" Ari wasn't remotely phased by Regulus' seemingly odd and on edge mood, she'd seen it too many times before.  
"You _can't_ go back." He laughed darkly and ran his fingers through his hair as though he were going to pull it out. "Look!" He swiftly moved over to her and grabbed her hand, using it to pull up his own left sleeve and reveal the dark mark.

Ari closed her eyes, trying to erase the image she had just taken in; she could feel her eyes filling with tears. He was stained with evil now, something that could not be washed away so easily as dirt, or even blood.  
"Look, _look_!" He wouldn't release her hand and when she wouldn't open her eyes to look again, he used her finger to trace the raised and raw mark.  
"Why did you come here, Regulus? Why?" She had already given in to tears which were now making tracks down her cheeks, but she had more strength than to completely give into him and believe him.

"You know why." His voice softened slightly, but his grip on her hand did not. That was Regulus, he could never get the balance right, it was all or nothing with him.  
"No, Regulus. I thought I did, but then you...changed. And Eva told me...she told me you cheated on me." Ari had opened her eyes but was twisting away as far as she could so as not to look at his arm.  
"Does that really matter anymore?" He let out a growl of frustration and dropped her hand quite forcefully causing her to stumble back.  
"Some of it does, yes. Why should I trust you?"  
"Because I trust you. Who else would I go to? My so called friends? My brother? HA!"

"Just...stop pacing! You're making me all dizzy!" Ari mumbled, rubbing her forehead.  
Regulus' expression turned steely, "Oh, sorry, just a little on edge." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.  
"Firewhisky." An answer to a question that hadn't been asked. Ari summoned a bottle from her kitchen and poured them both a glass, as they drank silently, Ari took the time to process the information she had just been given. Regulus however focused on trying to forget what he had just told her.

"Oh, Ari...there are some sick things...things I can't tell you..." Regulus murmered before downing the rest of his glass and pouring himself some more.  
"I want to help you, I really do..."  
"But you can't."  
"But...I can't." Ari looked at her feet and took a seat, motioning for Regulus to do the same.  
"I missed you." He downed his second glass and was mid way through pouring a third before Ari pulled the bottle from his hand to get his full attention.  
"You did?"

Regulus smirked slightly, "'Course I did."  
"You know I'm not the same person I was before? I can't be controlled so easily."  
"I know." He drank what remained in his glass; he seemed to be trying to wash the regrets away. The rough periods of his and Ari's relationship, they weren't something he wanted to remember. "It's better that way, for you...and for me."

Regulus held a hand out to her which she took. Neither looked at the other, but Regulus rubbed her fingers with his thumb he found what he was looking for. That ring, it was a stupid day. They were younger than they were now, they were out, in a forest and they found a small, green flower. It matched Ari's eyes perfectly. Far be it for Regulus to be soppy or romantic, he still used a tricky charm to preserve that flower, in a ring.  
"So you still wear it?"  
"Never took it off." She removed her hand from his and took another swig of Firewhisky.

"You're distracting me, why are you distracting me?" There it was the mood change. Swift and confusing, if you didn't know him, it'd drive you mad.  
"I'm not distracting you, you're distracting yourself. Is that not what you wanted from this surprise visit? A distraction?"  
"Yes- I mean no. Well..." He was still holding his glass in one hand and shaking slightly. Ari could see the warning signs and swiftly moved over to him and gently removed the glass from his hand. She sat beside him and softly kissed his cheek, calming him once again.  
"You're a good man after all, Regulus." She whispered, "Don't lose sight of that."

"Am I? Am I really? When I just...after all I've done..." He was shaking again.  
"You can make it right." Ari soothingly stroked his hair, "I know you can."  
Their lips met, they were trying to lose the thought of the war. Of the Deatheaters, of death itself. They were trying to forget that raw, raised, stain on his arm. And to remember what it was like before they'd even thought about all this...

They broke apart, but only slightly, their foreheads were pressed together they seemed to be attempting to share thoughts. Desperately trying to break down that wall that seemed to now exist between them.  
"You should know that I love you." Ari spoke first, hoping to make him see that she'd always be there.  
"I love you too. But Ari, there is something I think I can do...to make it up...but it's not going to be easy. It's going to take a while and...I'm scared."  
"Will I be able to help you?"  
"No."  
"Then just let me be here for you."

And she was. He never told her what he was planning. What he would have to sacrifice to make it up. That in a few months, when he left, he wouldn't be coming back.


End file.
